


Haus Bylaws that Need to be Added to the Wall: Farmer and Dex

by Perpetual Motion (perpetfic)



Series: Haus Bylaws [1]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Brief mentions of groping, F/M, M/M, background Bitty/Jack, cameo by Holster and Ransom, the assholes get what's coming to them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-23 21:24:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8343364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/perpetfic/pseuds/Perpetual%20Motion
Summary: New Bylaw: Farmer and Dex are never to talk alone. This is how felonies happen. (Farmer and Dex seek justice.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was gonna be a 5 things fic, but then my personal team chat threw out more than five ideas, so it's gonna be an ongoing adventure as new bylaws are declared. Each piece in the series will be a standalone.

"CHOWDER!" Whiskey yells into his megaphone, "GIRLFRIEND CHECK!"

"THERE!" Chowder yells and points to the beer pong table, where Farmer and Lardo are absolutely murdering a couple of soccer players at the game.

"NURSE! BOYFRIEND CHECK!"

"I AM NOT HIS GODDAMN BOYFRIEND!" Dex yells.

"THERE!" Nurse says, pointing halfway up the stairs where Dex is talking to a blonde woman.

"EXCELLENT!" Whiskey yells, then lowers the megaphone. He walks into the kitchen where Bitty's pulling mini pies from the oven. "Farmer's killing at beer pong. Dex is talking to someone. They are across the room from each other."

"It won't stay that way," Bitty says as he puts the pies on a cooling rack. He takes a long drink of beer. "Stay on them."

"Aye-aye," Whiskey says with a sloppy salute. Bitty hands him a three cookies.

"You're doing The Shitty's work, and he'd be proud," Bitty says.

Whiskey gives Bitty a huge grin and walks back into the living room. Bitty watches as Whiskey gives a cookie to Tango and splits the other so Tango can have half. "Just kiss already," Bitty mutters.

*

"Hey," Farmer says an hour later, five minutes after Whiskey's done another check. "Need your help."

"What's up?" Dex asks, sliding a little further into the corner so he and Farmer can hide behind people. He glances around. Nurse is talking to the blonde Dex was chatting up earlier, and Chowder's currently killing it at Mario Kart. They've got two minutes tops.

"Girl I was just flip cupping with, she was saying she went to a lax party last night, and a guy got super handsy. Had to fork him in the forearm."

"Good for her," Dex replies. He downs the rest of his tub juice and tosses his cup over his shoulder. "What are we doing?"

"He's very proud of his ten-speed. It's in his room without a lock."

"Let's steal it."

"My thoughts exactly." Farmer glances over her shoulder, and Dex knows she's scouting their chaperones as well. "Second floor, second door to the left."

"Meet you out back of there in thirty."

"Got it." 

Farmer and Dex low-five and split up.

*

"Shit," Whiskey says tripping over a small pile of red cups as he rushes into the kitchen. "Bits, we've got--"

"FUCK!" Nurse yells as he loses his footing on the same pile of cups and slides under the table. "We lost them, Bits!" he yells. It echos.

Bitty heaves a deep sigh and presses his fingers against his eyes. "How long?"

"I saw them five minutes ago," Nurse says as he climbs out from under the table. "Farmer was headed out the backdoor with someone, and Dex was going up the stairs."

 

"You've checked the whole Haus?"

"Chowder's on it. We gave him the megaphone to holler if he finds them," Whiskey says. 

"Cross your fingers, boys." Bitty says. "We may have a repeat of the Plastic Wrap Incident."

"Fuck," Nurse mutters.

*

"Yo," Dex whispers when he spots Farmer creeping around the back hedges at the Lax house.

"Hey." She's got her hair pulled up and her sleeves rolled down. They're pressed against a corner of the house with no windows, the house itself lit up and loud from its own party. "That tree still look safe?"

"Yeah, I did a quick climb. It held."

"Cool. You get the markers?"

Dex holds up three Sharpies of various widths. "Yup. Ladies first."

Farmer glances towards the windows. "We're clear." She climbs the tree, scooting back towards the upper windows to give Dex room to stand. 

"Stairs are there," Dex says, pointing to a large space between two windows. "That puts asshole's room there." He points to the third window over. 

They approach the window cautiously, Dex ducking his head to get a look inside. "Clear," he says. 

Farmer crouches and holds out her hand. Dex hands her a tiny screwdriver from his pocket, and she takes the screen off the window. She hands Dex the screen, and he shoves it up as far as he can reach on the top roof. 

They step into the room, both of them swearing at the low angle of the window. They straighten up and look around. The room is a mess of dirty clothes and textbooks. There's a laptop on the desk and the bed is unmade, the fitted sheet curling off one corner. The ten speed is hanging from a hook by the closet. 

Dex reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a wrench. "Keep a lookout while I dismantle this bastard."

"On it," Farmer replies, taking up position by the bedroom door.

*

"They're not here," Chowder says, out of breath as he comes into the kitchen. Bitty hands him a glass of water, and he downs it in one go.

"When were they alone?" Whiskey asks. "You two were supposed to be watching them!"

"We were!" Nurse says. "He went from talking to the blonde, to playing Mario Kart, to the beer pong table with a redhead, and last I saw him, he was headed upstairs with a brunette."

"You need to think about how you tracked him," Bitty says. 

Nurse sighs deeply. "I am aware of how I tracked him. You think I'm not aware that I'm into him?"

Whiskey's jaw drops. "What? Shit. Nurse. Sorry. I didn't--the boyfriend thing was meant to be funny. I didn't--"

"It's chill," Nurse says, holding out his hands. "It's funny to watch him yell about it."

Chowder swallows the last of the water and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. "I lost Farmer for about thirty seconds in the back corner over there." He points towards the far back of the living room. "I saw Dex near there a minute later."

"Something's happening, then," Bitty says. He throws up his hands. "Forget it. We tried. Next kegster, we tie them to you two." He points at Nurse and Chowder.

"Maybe Dex will come around then," Whiskey says and laughs when Nurse grabs him in a headlock.

*

"Okay, done," Dex says.

Farmer turns from the door. He's got the bike broken into the wheels, the frame, the seat, the pedals, and the handlebars. "Nice, but can we get it all out of here?"

Dex listens to the noise from the rest of the house. "They're probably drunk enough they won't notice if we go out the front door."

"Tempting," Farmer replies. "I definitely want the wheels."

Dex hands her the wheels, and she stacks them outside the window. He takes the seat and pedals and places them on the pillow in the shape of a dick and balls. He draws a cock on the seat as well. "Too much?"

"Love it," Farmer says. She takes the largest marker from him and peeks her head out the door. She steps out and writes, "No means no douchebag," and draws a giant penis on the door.

"Nice pubes," Dex tells her as he looks over her shoulder to cover her.

"Lots of practice." Farmer caps the marker and hands it back to Dex. She looks at the bike frame and handlebars. "I want the frame up the tree."

"I like." Dex picks up the frame and pushes it onto the roof next to the wheels. He picks up the handlebars, looks at the door, and grins. 

"What?" Farmer asks, grinning in return.

Dex crouches and positions the handlebars so they jam the doorknob. 

"Perfect," Farmer says. She and Dex high-five and climb back out the window. "I can get both wheels if you can get the frame."

Dex hands her the wheels, which she balances like a serving tray. He keeps watch as she starts down the tree, as steady going down as she was heading up. Dex follows, dragging the frame with him. "How high?" he calls down.

"Below the roof line so he can't see it, but not so low they can just grab it."

Dex yanks the frame into position, leaving it stuck about a foot below the roof. He climbs the rest of the way down and takes the wheel Farmer hands him. "Anyone see us?"

"Nope. They're as drunk as you thought."

"That's fucked up," Dex says as they head for the back hedges. "I mean, we all get schwasted, yeah, but at least we try to spread it out. It's not even midnight, and they're fucked."

"You know half the Haus is fucked up right now."

"Yeah, but I bet anyone who's been handsy or gross has gotten booted already."

"Lardo and I dumped a guy in the trash can out back for groping that blonde you were talking to."

"Nice," Dex says. They high five again. "But, that's what I mean. Like, how hard is it not to be gross?"

"Dude, they're Lax bros. They take a lot of hard balls to the head."

Dex laughs at that. "True."

Farmer stops under a tree, three houses down from the Haus. "Shit. We've got Porch Bitty."

"Oh, we are fucked," Dex mutters. 

"We need a distraction."

Dex and Farmer look at each other, both thinking. Dex grits his teeth. "Goddamnit." 

"What?"

"I could use the boyfriend joke for this, but I don't wanna be a dick."

"What? The thing with you and Nurse?"

"Yeah. I could act like the wheel's a big grand gesture to try and get some goodwill, but I don't actually wanna do that."

"Why don't you just date him?" Farmer asks. "You're so into each other it's sick."

"I…" Dex shrugs. "I dunno. Like, we just finally stopped fighting all the time over the summer. I don't wanna fuck it up."

Farmer gives Dex a long look. "You are my favorite person to commit felonies with."

"Thank you."

"And if you can sneak into a Lax bro's room to fuck with his bike because a girl you don't know got harassed, you can mack on Derek and survive. In fact, if you told him why we're fucking with the bros _this_ time, you'd probably get laid even faster. Social justice and shit."

Dex grins. "That is not a bad argument."

"But still not a word on why the Plastic Wrap Incident went down."

"Oh, hell no," Dex agrees.

*

Bitty sees Dex and Farmer coming up the walk and jumps up from where he's sitting on the porch railing. "Do I even want to--oh sweet Jesus why do you have bike tires?"

"Because we stole bike tires," Dex says as he tries to step around Bitty. Bitty blocks his way. "You wanna be an accessory after the fact, Bits?"

"What did you do?" Bitty asks.

"A girl I know got groped by a Lax bro. We enacted justice," Farmer says. "His bike's in pieces but not ruined."

"The frame's up a tree," Dex adds.

"But we figured we'd earned the tires."

Bitty looks between them, shakes his head and walks towards the door. "Why I even ask, I don't know," he says.

Dex and Farmer follow him into the kitchen. Whiskey, Nurse, and Chowder are still there. Chowder looks beyond relieved that they're back. Nurse looks amused. Whiskey sighs in defeat at the sight of the tires and simply walks away.

"What--" is as far as Chowder gets before Farmer hands him the tire and kisses him on the nose.

"I brought you back a piece of justice," she says.

"Thanks!" Chowder's whole face lights up. He looks the tire over and tucks it under his arm. "Wanna go up to my room?"

"Love to."

"Here," Dex says, holding out the tire to Nurse. "I brought you back justice, too."

Nurse eyes the tire. "Why?"

"Why justice or why the tire?"

"...both?"

Dex puts the tire on the kitchen table. Bitty gives him the _look_ and he immediately removes it. "Farmer knew someone who got felt up by a lax bro against her wishes. Dismantling his prized possession was a two bro job."

"And you brought me back a tire."

"Consider it a show of my affection. I like you so much, I committed a felony."

"Uh-huh." Nurse looks completely confused. "I really don't--"

Dex steps in close and presses a kiss to Nurse's cheek. "Farmer and I go on raids to punish dudes who are gross. She hears about shit from her friends, and we seek revenge."

Nurse stares at Dex. "What?"

"We don't beat them down or anything, just draw dicks on stuff and sometimes take something that's important to them to punish them for being assholes."

Nurse sighs and presses his hands against his face. "Bits. Help. I can't do this."

Bitty looks at Dex. "If you break him, our entire d-line is fucked."

"God, Jack really has rubbed off on you," Dex mutters. Nurse bursts out laughing. "What?"

"Really?!" Nurse says. "Holy shit, Dex."

"What did--OH COME ON I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT."

"Before you two start yelling at each other," Bitty says before Nurse can respond, "you need to hide the evidence," he points to the tire, "and know I will grant you exactly one hour in my room if you do not have sex on my bed."

Nurse looks shocked. "Um. I don't--"

"Okay," Dex says. Nurse looks even more shocked. "I am not totally opposed to the boyfriend stuff. I just...it is sometimes easier to fuck with a dude who is an asshole rather than admit you wanna see your best friend naked and date him and stuff."

"And stuff," Nurse says.

"And stuff."

Nurse looks at the tire Dex is still holding. He takes it and stands on his tiptoes to hang it from the nail above the doorway between the kitchen and living room where Bitty always hangs a Christmas wreath. "An hour?" he asks Bitty.

"An hour," Bitty replies. 

They leave the kitchen, Dex crowding Nursey up the stairs, and Bitty stares at the tire. "Fine," he says. "Whatever."

*

The next afternoon, as the tadpoles pick up trash and debris from the yard, a Lax bro comes barrelling up the front lawn.

"Can I _help_ you?" Bitty snaps before the guy gets halfway up the walk. The guy freezes, clearly surprised at the sharpness of Bitty's voice.

"That fucking ginger asshole on your team and some bitch with him messed with my bike," the Lax bro says. He doesn't notice the tadpoles all turning away from him to hide a laugh.

"I am sure no such thing happened," Bitty replies, staring down his nose at the bro. "Our team doesn't go for cheap stunts."

"Bullshit. You fucks plastic wrapped our house."

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Bitty flicks a hand. "Off my lawn. There's enough trash to pick up as it is."

"Now, listen here you--"

"HEY!" Ransom shouts from the attic window. Holster's leaning out with him. "YOU FUCKING WITH MY BOYS BRO?"

"One of your fucking--"

"ARE YOU FUCKING WITH OUR BOYS?" Holster adds. 

The Lax bro looks from Holster and Ransom, then to Bitty, then to the tadpoles on the lawn. "Where are my fucking tires."

Bitty rolls his eyes. "I have no earthly idea. Now, leave, or I let the captains out." From the attic window, Holster and Ransom start barking and howling.

Behind the Lax bro, his missing tires go rolling down the street. Bitty waits for them to pass by the house and collapse into the hedges at the baseball house before he shoos away the Lax bro again. "Check the bushes. Maybe they got away."

The Lax bro walks off muttering darkly. Bitty steps off the porch so he can see Holster and Ransom. They give him a thumbs up. Bitty returns it. Bitty turns to look towards the far end of the house, and Dex and Farmer wave.

"At least now it's _less_ of a felony," Bitty mutters to himself before going inside to start the lunch casserole.

**Author's Note:**

> Love to templemarker for the beta. And love to the_wordbutler and hugealienpie and templemarker for the group chat.


End file.
